If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”