If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
<—- homeless romantic
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.