If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
You Might Also Like
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
She: I like Cats
He:
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok