I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
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I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.