@bridger_w

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

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@FredTaming

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

@Kyle_Lippert

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

@om_eye_goodness

internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?

me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.

@TheBoydP

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@AmishPornStar1

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

@Ivsy01

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

@JurassicPark2go

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

@Brianhopecomedy

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

@ItsAndyRyan

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.