If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
sin harder.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.