If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
If a snake ate a cake
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.