ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
You Might Also Like
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
12. I think about this all the damn time
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Thank you corporation very cool
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie