If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.

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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?


hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING


NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat


They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.


Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery