@lilgapeach30

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.

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@superdadatron

*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?

@Marlebean

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

@Swishergirl24

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

@jordan_stratton

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

@_goaskyourdad_

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

@JustinGuarini

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

@BassoonJokes

u?op ?p?sdn p?u?n?-p?dd??? ?ob ???? ??
?o? ?noq? ??? ??o?s ? s? s??? ‘?ou

@abbycohenwl

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

@CheryeDavis

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

@GrantTanaka

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you