At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Husband of the year 😂
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]