If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.

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*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?


With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/


I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.


Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.


My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.


The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.


u?op ?p?sdn p?u?n?-p?dd??? ?ob ???? ??
?o? ?noq? ??? ??o?s ? s? s??? ‘?ou


Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text


It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.


Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you