If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.


I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I’ve survived the end of the world.


I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers


The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You’re probably broke and there’s nothing you can do about it.


[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?


Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen


[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”


I’ve conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can’t take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.


It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.