@KirillWasHere

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

You Might Also Like

@samalmightysam

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

@HalfBakedHoney

I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I’ve survived the end of the world.

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

@TheBoydP

The end of the month is like stubbing your little toe in the dark. You’re probably broke and there’s nothing you can do about it.

@jjhartinger

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

@Papa_Mex

Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen

@IvoryGazelle

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

@Snotgun

I’ve conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can’t take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.

@KellyMeldrum

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.