“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I know this now 😂
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.