My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
This is my emotional support knife.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.