If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener