If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
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Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
this makes me so uncomfortable
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”