If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.