ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.