@Midgetspar

If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.

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@bobvulfov

DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time
TOILET PAPER: bro

@rachelle_mandik

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

@jessokfine

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

@Jarhead44

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

@Blarebare

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

@kyle_thatisall

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

@JohnLyonTweets

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

@ElleOhHell

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

@JohnLyonTweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.