If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.

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DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time


New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?


When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.


Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.


My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.


Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”


[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches


Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.


Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief


And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.