@Midgetspar: If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I'd only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.
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@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
@Just_Lee_: Don't say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.
@ThatRascalPuff: Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies* [2 yrs later] Me: *knocking water outta my ears* *quarter falls out*
@dksc4life: I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. "The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce." Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I'm in the wrong house.