if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
“What?”
– Jude
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together