I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
If only
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK