if i had a girlfriend id show her the best monkey videos

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It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.


Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*


Millennial1: What’s a Solar Eclipse?

Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.


me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none


“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”


COWORKER: big weekend plans?

ME: fulfilling the blood prophecy…you?

CW: what?

M: what?

CW: did you say-

M: neighborhood barbecue, yes


The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.


I’d like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like “OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?”


My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.