It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
if i had a girlfriend id show her the best monkey videos
You Might Also Like
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Millennial1: What’s a Solar Eclipse?
Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
COWORKER: big weekend plans?
ME: fulfilling the blood prophecy…you?
CW: did you say-
M: neighborhood barbecue, yes
“I don’t care,” I say, slowly developing an ulcer
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’d like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like “OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?”
My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.