If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂