@Dustinkcouch

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

You Might Also Like

@ThisLocalHater

I would compare twitter to high school but I don’t remember high school being this stupid

@bad_as_you_want

My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

@slimmy_shady

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

@daemonic3

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

@slimmy_shady

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

@JoParkerBear

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

@thenatewolf

*showing mom how to use her phone*

What’s the blue button with the bird?

THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!

@UnFitz

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.