I would compare twitter to high school but I don’t remember high school being this stupid
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*showing mom how to use her phone*
What’s the blue button with the bird?
THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.