If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
a fate I wish upon no one
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”