*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Simple enough.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear