If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
#dnd #ttrpg
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
finally found a reasonable question
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.