A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Picture the perfect woman.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”