@DonQuickoats

If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads

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@WhatevaConc

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

@slaughthie

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

@NewDadNotes

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

@attsmcjay

I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.

@Supafunkadunka

Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.

@sikeyeah

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@AnnietheNanny1

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

@OBiiieeee

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

@slimmy_shady

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

@KeetPotato

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”