If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads

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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.


How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what


Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me


I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.


Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.


Picture the perfect woman.


You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.


I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.


lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”