Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.