me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Husband: Are you sure?
Husband, sweating: ok
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
About to finish my second book of the day!
And when I say book, I really mean magazine.
And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?
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