If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
one last job
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.