@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

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@coryrichardson_

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water

@ShutUpThatsWho

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

@oldmanweldon

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

@TheAlexNevil

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

@InternetHippo

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

@Parkerlawyer

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

@adamallday

About to finish my second book of the day!

And when I say book, I really mean magazine.

And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.

@Not_The_Rule

Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?

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