If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that