If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?


God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol


How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?


My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.


Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead


First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.


Not to brag but at the last family reunion I didn’t talk to a single person.

No idea whose family it was. Lots of beer though.



[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?

Me: *your