If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
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yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*