If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”

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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit


ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich


[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.


be careful tonight honey, guys ur age only want one thing…. sports. so b careful not to look too much like sports out there


I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.


Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.


Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye


That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?