If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator