@kumailn

If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”

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@sbellelauren

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

@Bexdora

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

@maisonwithapen

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

@caithuls

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I‚Äôm in less] and Easy ūüôā

@Schmoodles

Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”

@duplicitron

I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.

@SSDated

I told a boy I loved him once. We were 6. He punched my arm & stole my cake. Life lesson. Never lose sight of what’s important. #Cake.

@MariyaAlexander

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

@TheAlexP

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake