If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Lmao the reply
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I am never leaving this website
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.