BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You Might Also Like
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend
couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship
gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-
me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito
M: Are you gonna eat that baby?
Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O’
M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!