If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”