If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Peace was never an option
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.