If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
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tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”