Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*lights scented candle*
*accidentally burns down house*
*everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.