If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*