My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Mum: “OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!”
Me: “Madness?! NO… THIS IS SPARTA!!”
This new generation doesn’t knock they just text to say they’re outside, so I text back to say we’re inside. Two can play.