If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.


i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years


If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.


9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.


This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.


I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.


Mum: “OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!”
Me: “Madness?! NO… THIS IS SPARTA!!”
*Kicks Mum*..


This new generation doesn’t knock they just text to say they’re outside, so I text back to say we’re inside. Two can play.