@ChiChiGreenblat

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

You Might Also Like

@ibid78

“Goodnight moon.”
*Moon takes out one earbud*
“No, Pepsi is not ok.”

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

@KielyHealey

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

@Darlainky

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

@B_poling82

Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

@TheTweetOfGod

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

@nolifecoach

To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome

@roxiqt

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.