If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

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“Goodnight moon.”
*Moon takes out one earbud*
“No, Pepsi is not ok.”


[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.


Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!


Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.



Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*


Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.


Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.


An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.


To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome


Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.