If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Best table by far
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?