@ChiChiGreenblat

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

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@KentWGraham

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

@MacMcCannTX

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

@AimeeHelene1

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

@Vodkantots

9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.

@SteveMartinToGo

This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.

@WilliamAder

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

@EmmettScanlan

Mum: “OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!”
Me: “Madness?! NO… THIS IS SPARTA!!”
*Kicks Mum*..

@jjhartinger

This new generation doesn’t knock they just text to say they’re outside, so I text back to say we’re inside. Two can play.