If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.