Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Siri: Retweet me.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.