If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat