If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

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technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs


Why don’t I have Snapchat? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.


People that pronounce vase like “voz” make me want to punch them in the foz.


One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.


parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide


Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?


[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.


When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.