Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@sofarrsogud

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

@dumbbeezie

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

@Marlebean

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@Rainbowbunee

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

@topherjordan

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

@dumbbeezie

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

@KalvinMacleod

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

@Stellacopter

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.