If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

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My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me


My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots


At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?


Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.


How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?


My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.


First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.


Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings


HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl


Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.