@KittyShittyy

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

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@KeetPotato

technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs

@theroyaltramp

Why don’t I have Snapchat? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.

@xGreenxMonsterx

People that pronounce vase like “voz” make me want to punch them in the foz.

@RdrJay47

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

@nopoweradeinusa

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@ObscureGent

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

@Chumpstring

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.