*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
You Might Also Like
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?