If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
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I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
oh my god