So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again