If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

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If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”


I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.



-me after every wine at the wine-tasting


When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.


Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…


Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.


When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…


DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*