If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.


Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.


Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.



Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun


[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.


I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”


I just wish God hadn’t hidden all of my talents so well.


I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.