@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

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@aaronnemo

If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”

@protolalia

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@jayonguitar

When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.

@TheBoydP

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

@garrettbarry70

Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.

@SummerSongGirl

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

@notacroc

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*