@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

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@mommajessiec

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

@Goofpoops

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

@DaddyJew

Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.

Sweet.

@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

@UncleDuke1969

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@iNusku

I just wish God hadn’t hidden all of my talents so well.

@phxguy88

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.