“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
buys donuts instead
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.