If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill