If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
You Might Also Like
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.