Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You Might Also Like
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
🐕🍷
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.