HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
– My new boss. He’s very deciduous”
– Nope. I carved him from a potted tree.
*squirrel peeks out of his mouth*
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
– Chopped: Moms Edition
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!