@Adar79Angie

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

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@ClichedOut

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

@heyitsJudeD

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

@Staggfilms

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

@Sickayduh

“What’s that?”
– My new boss. He’s very deciduous”
“Decisive?”
– Nope. I carved him from a potted tree.
*squirrel peeks out of his mouth*

@HysteriaBarbie

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

@TheHyyyype

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

@ashleyaustrew

You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition

@lecalabara

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@welfarehoe

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!