If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
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Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time