If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Had an epiphany today.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.