If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

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”Your call is important to us……please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo”


Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*


For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”


Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)


My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.


“Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years.”


WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!


ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?