If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
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THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here