I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
You Might Also Like
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*
[2 hours later]
Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U
Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
I have no idea what she’s talking about.