@dreamthievin

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

- @dreamthievin

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@hazelmotes1

Golf, except there’s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.

@ThugRaccoons

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

@ashmensch

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@sageboggs

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

@Shenanigans_luv

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

@psybermonkey

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@danadonly

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

@Rockenden

To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.