If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
What even happened today?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?