@dreamthievin

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

@jonnysun

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

@WilliamRodgers

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

@nayele18

Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.

@LostFelicia

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

@e4moji

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

@capnwatsisname

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?