If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.


which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose


Me: I tried talking dirty once

Her: did it end badly?

Son: *walks in* hey dad

Me: *nods head in his direction*


lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.


Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”


My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.


her: we even finish each other’s s-
me: -omebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed she was looki


I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.


[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?


Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself