If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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me before I type out affect or effect
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.