@joshgondelman

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

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@2tickytacky

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

@funflaps

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

@DaddyJew

Me: I tried talking dirty once

Her: did it end badly?

Son: *walks in* hey dad

Me: *nods head in his direction*

@murrman5

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@MikeRevenaugh

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

@NikiWithIssues

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

@notviking

her: we even finish each other’s s-
me: -omebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed she was looki

@AntozWolf

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

@G_Faylor

[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?

@tastefactory

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself